


Live

by jicheol_lover



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Gift of Life, Late Night Conversations, Light Angst, M/M, Surreal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 01:44:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10843899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jicheol_lover/pseuds/jicheol_lover
Summary: How is the day without the sun? How is the spring without the flowers? How are the trees and grassy earth without the rain?And how is Seungcheol without Jihoon?





	Live

He didn't know when it started – he didn't notice it before, but when the night came, he couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard he tried. As the night grew deeper and darker, his eyes were still gazing on the white ceiling while many thoughts came across his mind. His body yearned for a good night rest after a hard day of work, but his mind said otherwise. Turning his body around the bed and trying to find the exact comfortable spot, but it didn't feel right without the familiar warmth next to him. 

This bed was too big for him; he wondered when will that particular someone come back to close his eyes and kiss his lips to sleep.

He locked his gaze on the ceiling above him, wishing for a miracle to happen. His phone placed next to him on the bed where he could easily grab it and the time showed half past 2 in the morning. The faint light coming from the phone screen aided his eyes to see through the darkness as he scrolled over his text messages.

He continued to scroll until the familiar sound of notification alerted him and a pop-up averted his attention. His hands were shaking when he saw the name.

> hoon: hey
> 
> hoon: still not sleeping?

He took a deep breath for a minute with his eyes fixed on the message. Maybe there was a divine force from the above since his wish earlier came true. Because it seemed too good to be true that the person who came across his mind 24/7 suddenly texted him first. It's been very hard for him since they separated, but he tried his best to make it work somehow.

His fingers were still shaking as he typed the words.

> cheol: hey back at ya
> 
> cheol: can't sleep
> 
> cheol: not without you here
> 
> hoon: cheol
> 
> hoon: we talked about this before
> 
> hoon: go to sleep plz
> 
> cheol: i miss you
> 
> hoon: i miss you too cheol
> 
> hoon: but it's late already
> 
> cheol: just for a few more mins
> 
> cheol: i wanna talk to you
> 
> hoon: fine
> 
> hoon: so…how's your day
> 
> cheol: tiring as always
> 
> cheol: i keep seeing you around 
> 
> hoon: that's insane
> 
> cheol: it's true
> 
> cheol: i'm not lying when i say i'm crazily in love with you
> 
> hoon: …how's your work?
> 
> cheol: nothing much
> 
> cheol: work is still the same as always and the days seem pretty much the same
> 
> cheol: when will you come back hoon
> 
> hoon: you know it's hard for me to go back
> 
> cheol: yeah I know
> 
> cheol: sorry
> 
> hoon: it's been a long day for you cheol
> 
> hoon: go to sleep 
> 
> hoon: we talk tomorrow i promise
> 
> cheol: i'll go to sleep
> 
> cheol: if only you kiss me
> 
> hoon: wish i could silly
> 
> cheol: come to my dream hoon
> 
> hoon: i will cheol
> 
> hoon: you know you're always in my heart, right
> 
> cheol: i just knew
> 
> hoon: stupid
> 
> cheol: i miss you calling me stupid
> 
> hoon: i know
> 
> hoon: now go to sleep
> 
> cheol: promise me you come to my dream hoon
> 
> cheol: goodnight 
> 
> hoon: night
> 
> cheol: i love you
> 
> hoon: love you too

It's been so long since the last time they texted. The wave of mixed feelings – longing, frustration and loneliness overwhelmed him. He held back his tears from falling but he couldn't when he kept reading the last three words from the other person before the conversation ended. If his wish earlier was granted, then the divine force must've been listening so he wished for another one. He didn't ask for much, only for his Hoon to come and meet him in his dream.

With the distance between them, that's the only thing he could ask for.

With tears rolling down his cheeks, with his phone clutched tightly in between his hands near his beating heart, he closed his eyes and let himself drifted away to slumber. His Hoon maybe waited for him and he didn't want to take so much time to get there.

Let the ray of hope guided his way there.

**********

 

The sound of birds chirping singsong above his head woke him up. The feel of grass and earth underneath his weight was very soothing to his tired body. The floral scent of spring that hit his nostrils was very healing.

He didn't want to get up. He knew it was too perfect to be a reality, so it must be a dream. He kept his eyes close, appreciating what this dream had given to his five senses. Starting from his nose smelling the floral scent, his hands started to roam around, feeling the grassy ground. With birds chirping melodically to his ears, he opened his eyes to see the endless blue sky on top of him.

He parted his lips to inhale the fresh air, but out of nowhere, he felt a hand closing his eyes and a pair of thin lips against his. He knew the lips too well, it couldn't be mistaken anymore. He wanted to call out, but he decided to remain still until the longing kiss broke.

"Jihoon?" He asked carefully, as if his voice would break a fragile glass.

But there was no answer.

"Hoon? Hoon-ie?" He asked again, with more eagerness. He took the hand away and opened his eyes because he couldn't take the silence anymore.

There was a blinding light which he had to close his eyes for a moment before he could adapt to the sudden brightness. He thought the sun finally risen up to the sky, painting the blue canvas yellow, but it was Jihoon's smile. Jihoon's smile was so bright; it gave light to his darkened heart. Jihoon's smile that he missed the most – that kept him going through the rough days. In this dream, Jihoon was there sitting next to him with a beautiful smile on his face.

"Jihoon…" He called out; wanting to make sure that Jihoon next to him was not an illusion his eyes play, but he knew it all too well, that this was a dream. There was no way Jihoon would be so close to him when there was a thousand miles of distance between them. 

Yet, when he saw the smile on Jihoon's face, a gentle smile with a slight hint of guilt, he couldn't ask for more than this. He shouldn't blame and point finger on anyone because things happened and sometimes they couldn't do anything to avoid it. They couldn't do anything other than embraced the pain and swallowed the cruel reality.

And as he embraced the pain and swallowed the cruel reality, Jihoon was the only thing he held onto. 

He didn't want to let go, so he quickly but gently reached out for Jihoon's hand and intertwined their fingers together. Jihoon looked down to meet his teary eyes and the corners of his mouth turned up to form a smile.

"Don't cry, I'm here."

"Come with me, Hoon-ie."

"You know I can't, Cheol."

The tears rolled down his cheeks when he closed his eyes and brought their hands closer to his mouth to press a longing kiss on the back of Jihoon's hand. 

There was a sudden gust of wind filled in the complete silence and the entire universe in this dream seemed to carry Jihoon's heavy burden and Seungcheol's wounded heart away. The sound of birds chirping singsong faded away. The grassy earth underneath him disappeared and soon his whole weight floated on a white space. Their hands were no longer clasped and their fingers were no longer intertwined. He was alone again as he was slowly drifted back to reality.

It was a dream – he knew it all too well, yet his lips kept chanting for Jihoon.

**********

 

The sunlight brightens the room through the crack of the curtains. The morning seemed to be cooler than last night when he went to sleep. The noisy sound of alarm that rang throughout the room soon turned quiet and a sleepy figure seated himself straight up as he welcomed the new day.

The time on his phone showed that he woke up on time which gave him enough time to get ready for work. But his heart felt heavy and his feet felt weak. He should be in his cheerful, positive and bright personality – he should, but he couldn't. 

The room looked emptier with the sunlight shone through and his eyes roamed around blankly to find something that can fill his lost soul. Nothing. So, he went back to scroll through his phone, but that particular thread of messages he had last night was nowhere to be found. He knew it – it happened so many times already. His brain started manipulating things that was impossible to happen, just for his own comfort.

He never had any conversation with Jihoon since the very night he was left alone. But his body was aching, his heart was wounded and his soul was wandering lost. Like how a system should work together to function properly, his brain played a trick on his body, his heart and his soul just to make him live as a normal human being. 

He knew the text messages were not real.

He knew last night encounter was a dream.

He knew it.

He should've accepted the reality, but his heart didn’t want to compromise what his brain had been telling him to.

He averted his eyes away from the phone and onto the nightstand next to his bed. There, he saw a framed picture of he and Jihoon together – being held so close and embraced each other so tightly, not wanting to let go. He had his eyes on Jihoon while Jihoon was looking at the camera, but they both had genuinely happy and contented smiles on their faces. They looked perfect together – no, they were perfect together.

Jihoon was the piece to his whole puzzle, the answer to his questions and the reason why his heart beat.

Jihoon was also the motivation that kept him going and he was not going to let Jihoon down.

With his wounded heart and heavy pain on his body, he dragged himself to the side of the bed and went up to take a shower.

Just before he walked out of his room and put on a façade smile on his face as he lived through another lonely day, he held their framed picture up from the nightstand and took Jihoon's smile with him.

**********

 

The day went dreadfully but even so, added the amount of hellish workload at the office, his heart was too numb to complain every single thing that happened. All he could think of was to get back to his apartment and have a soundly sleep. But, who was he kidding? The moment he lied down on his bed for two, his mind couldn't stop from having so many thoughts – thoughts that he shouldn't be having in the first place.

And at a certain hour of the night, he started to have a flashback of their memories together and his brain started to pull the same trick on him. 

The familiar notification alerted him and his hands were shaking, like usual. He took a deep breath before replying.

> hoon: hey
> 
> hoon: still not sleeping
> 
> cheol: nope
> 
> cheol: i knew this would happen
> 
> hoon: what
> 
> cheol: you texted me
> 
> cheol: you never did for the past few months
> 
> cheol: and yesterday was the first
> 
> hoon: is there something wrong cheol
> 
> cheol: you're not real
> 
> hoon: cheol
> 
> cheol: you're just a part of the tricks my brain had for me
> 
> cheol: just like how I saw you every day during lunchtime at our favorite diner
> 
> hoon: cheol
> 
> cheol: i knew it but i still want to
> 
> cheol: i knew this is unreal but i still want to talk you
> 
> cheol: please don't leave me 
> 
> hoon: cheol
> 
> hoon: i love you
> 
> hoon: i don't like seeing you suffer
> 
> hoon: it's been months and you're still not over me
> 
> cheol: how can I, hoon
> 
> cheol: you're my one and only life
> 
> cheol: losing you feels like losing my whole purpose of living
> 
> hoon: don't be like that
> 
> hoon: you know I'm always in your heart no matter where I am, right
> 
> cheol: hoon, don't leave me again
> 
> hoon: i'm sorry cheol
> 
> hoon: but promise me
> 
> hoon: keep on living, cheol
> 
> hoon: go meet up with your colleagues
> 
> hoon: hang out with hansol and soonyoung
> 
> hoon: meet new people
> 
> hoon: meet new love
> 
> cheol: shut up
> 
> cheol: i'm not seeking a new love
> 
> cheol: when all i want will always be you
> 
> hoon: cheol
> 
> cheol: can't we just met
> 
> hoon: don't you ever think of killing yourself idiot
> 
> hoon: or i will hate you for eternity
> 
> hoon: if you think that's the only way we could met
> 
> hoon: then you're wrong
> 
> hoon: because i'm always in your heart
> 
> hoon: and i'm always looking at you from above
> 
> hoon: so live, cheol
> 
> hoon: live for yourself and for me too
> 
> hoon: it's been a long day for you
> 
> hoon: go to sleep

He didn't reply anything in return; firstly because he knew that this Jihoon he had been texting was not real – it couldn't be real. Secondly, he tried so hard to hold back his tears but to no avail. He was mad, not at Jihoon but at himself. He was mad because he was not strong enough to live for himself and for Jihoon. He had been thinking of ending himself because losing Jihoon meant losing his life too.

He didn't deserve this life because he was being ungrateful this whole time, but he was too scared to end this undeserving life he has been living. 

He didn't know what to do, but maybe he should started living. But live, huh? How is it possible for him to live without Jihoon because living without Jihoon seemed eerie – like a day without sunlight and a spring without flowers. 

Who knew it was not death that kills, but life. 

Jihoon had been the motivation that kept him going and yes, he would do that. He will live even though it's hard. He will learn to be stronger – to become a fighter for him and for Jihoon. 

He put the phone away and turned to look at the framed picture on the nightstand. He kept his eyes fixated and air-quoted something before he drifted into slumber.

_I'll live, Jihoon._

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a long day without you, my friend  
> And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again  
> We've come a long way from where we began  
> I'll tell you all about it when I see you again  
> When I see you again
> 
> 1\. yes, this fic is inspired from Wiz Khalifa's See You Again ft Charlie Puth. I just had this strong feel of angst whenever I listen to this song and so this happen. I don't know how this is because I never, never ever write angst before but I hope you guys have a fun time holding back tears reading this :) well, this is probably just a light angst because I'm not ready to let myself drown in the deep angst, who knows I might get depressed again lol
> 
> 2\. I couldn't take this into the dark side because to me, everyone is going through the rough days in their life but that doesn't mean it will always stay dark and black. When it's dark and black, you will appreciate your life even more when it gets bright and filled with positivity. So, yeah...
> 
> 3\. cross-posted on aff


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